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Scene 5
I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowksi
Lebowski Mansion
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Okay sir, you're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski, that's terrific, but I'm very busy, as I can imagine you are. What can I do for you sir?
Uh, well sir, it's, uh, this rug I have, it really tied the room together-uh--
You told Brandt on the phone, he told me. Where do I fit in?
Well, uh, they were--they were looking for you, these two guys, uh you know they--
I'll say it again, you told Brandt on the phone. He told me. I know what happened. Yes? Yes?
Oh, so you know they were trying to piss on your rug?
Did I urinate on your rug?
You mean, did you personally come and pee on my rug?
Hello! Do you speak English son? Parla usted ingles? I'll say it again. Did I urinate on your rug?
No, like I said, Woo, peed on my rug.
I just want to understand this sir, every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city, I have to compensate the person?
Come on, man, I'm not trying to scam anybody here, uh, you know, I'm just--uh
You're just looking for a handout like every other--are you employed, Mr. Lebowski?
Huh? wait wait, let me, let me explain something to you. Uh, I am not Mr. Lebowski. You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, uh, That, or uh, his Dudeness, or uh Duder, or uh El Duderino, if, you know, you're not into the whole brevity thing--uh.
Are you employed, sir?
Employed? ah ha...
You don't go out looking for a job dressed like that do ya? On a weekday?
Is this a--what day is this?
Well I do work sir, so if you don't mind--
Yeah, I do mind. The Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man. I mean, your wife owes money--
My wife, is not the issue here! I hope that someday my wife will learn to live on her allowance, which is ample, but if she does not, that is her problem, not mine, just as your rug is your problem, just as every bum's lot in life is his own responsibility regardless of whom he chooses to blame. I didn't blame anyone for the loss of my legs, some Chinaman took them from me in Korea but I went out and achieved anyway. I cannot solve your problems, sir, only you can.
Ah fuck it.
Oh, Fuck it! Yes, that's your answer! That's your answer to everything! Tattoo it on your forehead!
Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski! Condolences! The bums lost!
...My advice to you is, to do what your parents did! Get a job, sir! The bums will always lose-- do you hear me, Lebowski?