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Scene 22
I Need My Fucking Johnson
Bowling Alley
Scene Rating
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My only hope is that the big Lebowski kills me before the Germans can cut my dick off.
Now that is just ridiculous, Dude. No one's going to cut your dick off.
Thank you Walter.
Not if I have anything to say about it.
Thank you Walter. That makes me feel very secure.
That makes me feel warm inside.
Now Dude--
This whole fucking thing--I could be sitting here with just pee-stains on my rug.
But no man, I gotta--you know.
Fucking Germans. Nothing changes. Fucking Nazis.
They were Nazis, Dude?
Come on, Donny, they were threatening castration!
Are we gonna split hairs here?
Am I wrong?
look man...
Am I--
Man. They were nihilists, man.
They kept saying they believe in nothing.
Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.
And let's also not forget--let's not forget, Dude--that keeping wildlife, uh, an amphibious rodent, for uh, you know, domestic, within the city--that ain't legal either.
What're you, a fucking park ranger now?
No, I'm just trying to uh--
Who gives a shit about the fucking marmot!
--We're sympathizing here, Dude--
Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fucking sympathy, man,I need my fucking Johnson!
What do you need that for, Dude?
You gotta buck up, man, you cannot drag this negative energy into the tournament.
Fuck the tournament! Fuck you, Walter!
Fuck the tournament?!
Okay Dude. I can see you don't want to be cheered up here. Come on Donny, let's go get us a lane.
Another Caucasian, Gary.
Right, Dude.
Friends like these, huh Gary.
That's right, Dude.
Do ya got a good sarsaparilla?
Sioux City Sarsaparilla.
Yeah, that's a good one.
How ya doin' there, Dude?
Not to good, man.
One a those days, huh.
Well, a wiser fellah than myself once said ,sometimes you eat the bar en...
... and sometimes the bar, well, he eats you.
Hmm. That some kind of Eastern thing?
Far from it.
I like your style, Dude.
Well I dig your style too, man. Got a whole cowboy thing goin'.
Thanks, there's just one thing, Dude.
What's that?
D'ya have to use so many cuss words?
What the fuck are you talking about?
Okay Dude, have it your way. Take 'her easy, Dude.
Yeah. Thanks man.
Call for ya Dude.
Jeffrey, you have not gone to the doctor.
Uh, oh yeah, no no, I haven't yet, Uh--
I'd like to see you immediately.