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Scene 16
The Story is Ludicrous
Maude's Home
Scene Rating
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Elfranco. Ajuda me abajo. I'll be with you in a moment, Mr. Lebowski.
Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?
Uh, is that what this is a picture of?
In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal. Which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.
Oh yeah?
Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say. Whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson.
All right, Mr. Lebowski, let's get down to cases. My father told me he's agreed to let you have the rug, but it was a gift from me to my late mother, and so was not his to give. Now. Your face... As for this kidnapping--
Yes, I know about it. And I know that you acted as courier. And let me tell you something: the whole thing stinks to high heaven.
Yeah, right, but, but let me explain something about that rug--
Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?
Excuse me?
Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?
I was talking about my rug.
You're not interested in sex?
You mean coitus?
I like it too. It's a male myth about feminists that we hate sex. It can be a natural, zesty enterprise. However there are some people--it is called satyriasis in men, nymphomania in women--who engage in it compulsively and without joy.
Oh, no.
Oh yes Mr. Lebowski, these unfortunate souls cannot love in the true sense of the word. Our mutual acquaintance Bunny is one of these.
Listen, Maude uh, I'm sorry if your stepmother is a nympho, but uh, I don't see what this has to do with uh--do you have any kahlua?
Take a look at this, sir.
Oh, I know that guy. He's a nihilist... Karl Hungus.
Hello. Mein dizbatcher says zere iss somezing wrong mit deine kable.
Yeah, come on in, I'm not really sure exactly what's really wrong with the cable.
Dat's vhy day zent me, I'm un exspert.
The TV's in here.
You recognize her, of course.
Helga, bring mein toolz.
Oh, that's my friend Shari. She just came over to use the shower.
The story is ludicrous.
Mein nommen ist Karl. Ich bin expert.
You must be here to fix the cable.
Good lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.
He fixes the cable?
Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey. Little matter to me that this woman chose to pursue a career in pornography, nor thatshe has been banging Jackie Treehorn, to use the parlance of our times. However. I am one of two trustees of the Lebowski Foundation ,the other being my father. The Foundation takes youngsters from Watts and--
Shit yeah, the achievers.
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, yes, and proud we are of all of them. I asked my father about his withdrawal of a million dollars from the Foundation account and he told me about this abduction, but I tell you it is preposterous. This compulsive fornicator is taking my father for the proverbial ride.
Yeah, but my-
I'm getting to your rug. My father and I don't get along; he doesn't approve of my lifestyle and, needless to say, I don't approve of his. However, I hardly wish to make my father's embezzlement a police matter, so I'm proposing that you try to recover the money from the people you delivered it to.
Well-- I could do that--
If you successfully do so, I will compensate you to the tune of 10% of the recovered sum.
A hundred.
Thousand, yes, bones or clams or whatever you call them.
Yeah ah, but, but what about my uh--
--your rug, yes, well with that money you can buy any number of rugs that don't have sentimental value for me. And I am sorry about that crack on the jaw.
Oh that's that's fine. It doesn't even uh--
Here's the name and number of a doctor who will look at it for you. You will receive no bill. He's a good man, and thorough.
Tha, tha, That's thoughtful but--
Please see him, Jeffrey. He's a
Oh, uh...alright.